Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Time is just that ...time.. It's the seconds, minutes and hours that pass during our life. Time can go quickly- so fast that you can't grab it and hold it before it runs away from you. Time can also creep by so slowly- so slowly it doesn't ever feel like the seconds, the minutes will keep moving at a steady pace. The minutes turn into very long moments....moments in time...

The pain that has been felt this week... is so hard .. it can't even be put into words. It's indescribable...A different kind of hurt.. a hurt that even I don't understand..

Here I was driving the other night to church on monday for our monthly prayer meeting... I couldn't even grasp life...I'd been so good to hold in the pain.. the radio began to play a song.. the beginning tone of the song was playing and honestly I thought this song I'm not too sure about..the rhythm anyway.. THEN.. just THEN the words began to pour out...

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms

I was like this is it .. the pain in my heart.. my confusion in my mind..I couldn't even align time with my thoughts.. I just wanted time to stop.. to stand still so I could even grasp everything going on.. that I could somehow fix this when in fact it was out of my hands.. it was in gods hands..The song just didn't play once.. it was again for a reason.. a reason for purpose I needed to really hear the words..

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

As I sat in church trying to hold my composure.. It was just like a tear started to happen and it was a release like I couldn't explain. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't hold it in any longer.. if I just would've caught each tear as it fell, I could've danced in the puddle. The emotions I felt as TIME was passing.. TIME was still moving, moving without my heart in the place it needed to be. All I could see was darkness with someone standing at the podium talking.. He would go on to say.. God has a plan.. a plan for each of us.. Our time isn't always his plan... Honestly, I was beginning to think I was on a different time zone as gods. How I felt like his plan just wasn't for me after all..

Thoughts would begin to flood my mind, the adversary would begin to poke at me.. and try to get in my heart... leaving me with doubt. Doubt that really do I belong in church.. Was it just by an accident he chose me to be a child of his last June? Was I really worth all this mess.. Would he still open his arms and hold me.. Cause I'm telling you.. If I didn't have someone to hold open there arms.. I would've slid onto the floor... I just could close my eyes and hear the music playing and listen to the words of the song replaying in my head that I had just heard in the car on the drive up here.. the drive that seemed to be one of the longest drives to church.. what only took 30 minutes seemed to take hours...

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands

This was it.. I went to the alter and prayed .. prayed and just released all my hurt, all my confusion, all the pain.. time was letting me just stand there with my arms high and just take in the peace that god was giving me.. the weeping I couldn't keep in any longer, the tears I couldn't catch any longer.. but I felt it .. I felt. the love, the guidance, the peace he was giving me.. It was almost like he was saying "It's gonna be okay.. thought you don't understand.. I'm here for you.. I will never leave you nor forsake stand up.. dust off your knees and pull yourself together.. Okay I can do this... I layed it all out there.. and the peace I felt.. the strength I received led me to see it's in his hands now.. His TIME of his plan is not my TIMING..I have to trust in him whether I might have secondary thoughts..You can't. You ABSOLUTELY can not let the adversary poke at you and leave you with any doubt. If you let him in with a a crack of a gap, he will try to slide in with heartless content...................

Before now I couldn't put into words my thoughts.. all I could do was listen to "All that I can say"

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

I pulled up this song on my playlist and just listened to it over.. and over... I had no words.. no clicking of the keys to post an entry.. I was speechless.. I just wanted the music to do the talking for me..

After praying and believing.. that's it..

I believe it's not in my hands anymore.... he will hold me and keep me close but it's up to me to breathe, know the truth and that in his time will things work out according to his plan not MINE.

I apologize for this not being upbeat as it usually is.. here but really I am just a human trying to figure out life.. This is my life as it reads the good, the bad and all the in between..

Huge Hugs to each of you,

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